Healing From Divorce
Divorce sucks. There’s no such thing as a happy divorce, although many people try to make it appear that way. Like they're better off anyway. And maybe you are, but the sting of divorce is still painful. Lately I’ve seen celebrities throw divorce parties. That’s so heartbreaking to me. We try to repress the bad feelings so we can pretend it doesn’t hurt. But it does. Two people decide on forever, all of your hopes and dreams are wrapped up in this person and then everything comes crashing down like a skyscraper imploding.
You promised yourself to this person “til death do you part”. But instead, you’re here 1, 5, 15, 30 years later saying, “How did this happen? How did we get here?”
Sometimes it’s a quick and sudden unraveling of the commitment that was promised. Other times it’s a slow moving barrier that starts to create a wedge, then a distance that feels too great to recover from.
I was 27 when my former husband and I separated. I remember having physical chest pains. The heartbreak was so real and so tangible. I completely lost sight of my future...everything I once saw for me was just a blank canvas. Empty. I cried until my eyes were dry. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I felt like the biggest failure in the world and I blamed my failed marriage on myself, even though there are two parties in every marriage.
I wanted to seem in control when I was crumbling inside, and I definitely didn’t want anyone to know that I was in pain. I put on a facade that I was strong, independent, resilient. And I was all of those things. But I was also deeply heart broken and hurt.
Divorce is very isolating. When I was going through it, most of my friends weren’t even married yet. I felt like nobody could relate.
It took years to fully release the weight of the heartbreak and to understand that I held the paintbrush for what was next in my life. That my canvas wouldn’t stay blank because I was now single. I still had a hope and a future. It would just look different than I had originally planned.
I wasn’t walking with God at this point in my life. If I had been, my healing would have looked very different. Instead I was throwing myself into whatever felt good in that moment. Alcohol, sex, extreme dieting and exercise. I was searching for ways to reclaim the value I thought I had lost. I was also looking for ways to avoid being home and facing the reality that nobody would be greeting me when I opened the door.
How did I find healing?
For one, I knew I didn’t want to stay in that place. I was ridden with anxiety and doubt. I was unclear of my purpose and I had forgotten about my passions. I didn’t want to live like that.
Below I share some of the tools I used to find healing through the heartache and rediscover the inherent value that was already within me. This is my story, and this is what worked for me. I also sought out professional counseling to help me through this difficult season of my life. Do not be afraid to ask for help. There are incredibly kind and empathetic professionals that can walk with you through your healing journey.
One more thing on value. Our value is not earned, and it cannot be taken away. Nothing that we do could ever increase or decrease our value. Being married does not give us more value than being single. And being divorced does not diminish our value. We are valuable because we are human.
My Tools for Healing:
1. I Treated Myself With Love and Kindness.
Sometimes in relationships we can forget to take care of ourselves because we are so focused on our partner. While this isn't healthy boundary setting, most marriages that end in divorce are likely not established with healthy boundaries so you may relate. I got married young, and I am a natural nurturer, so I recognized that I actually didn’t even know who I was without my former spouse.
I started to treat myself like I was pursuing myself, because I was! I actively sought out things that I enjoyed and that made me happy. I spent my weekends walking around the city, sitting in the park watching people, finding cute coffee shops and treating myself to iced coffees and smoothies.
I explored flea markets, farmers markets, and antique shops. I painted and read. I tried new recipes and redecorated my apartment! For the first time in my adult life I took time to figure out who I was and what I enjoyed doing. I reclaimed my personal identity.
Along with that, I focused on my health. I knew that I couldn’t have a sound mind without a healthy body. So I ate the highest quality food I could afford, filled up on plants and healthy proteins, and I exercised to nourish and strengthen my body, not to punish it.
When we take care of our bodies out of the pure notion that it is worth taking care of, the positive physical changes will take place naturally. But when we diet and exercise to “fix” the parts of our bodies we don’t like, we end up having lost a few pounds but still feeling the weight of our sadness that had nothing to do with our physical weight to begin with.
We can hold onto our pain by abusing our bodies with drugs, alcohol, food, and meaningless sex, but you will create more pain in the process, and with impending health issues to add to the equation.
Controlling what I could in that time of my life, the way I treated my body, gave me an overwhelming sense of pride for how well I was loving myself. I thought, “If I’m going to be alone, I’m going to take the best care of myself that I can, because I can’t blame anyone but me if I let my health go.”
2. I Found God.
I was raised in a Christian home and was taught to love God. But somewhere between high school and my impending divorce I let my faith dwindle. I started questioning what was real and if God really loved me and had a plan for my life.
Through and after the divorce, I thought, “If God is real, he must be punishing me. How could he let this happen to me?” I was uninterested and unwilling to seek out His presence. But He wasn’t done seeking me.
Through a series of miraculous coincidences I found myself walking into a church nearly two years after separating from my former spouse. I was scared, anxious, and quite frankly I didn’t want to be there. But I felt an overwhelming urge to go.
I went by myself and sat as far away from the stage as I could. I didn’t speak to anyone. A relatively young guest pastor from Texas stepped on stage. He was funny and relatable, and he refuted every negative thought I had about church and God. For the first time, I felt like I belonged in a church. Like I wasn’t being judged by the people next to me because I was questioning my belief or that I had gone through a divorce or searched for healing in things that didn’t satisfy the empty space.
My spiritual life didn’t change overnight. But I kept going to church. I felt safe there, like I was home. This developed into me reading a daily devotional on my Bible app, to praying on occasion when I felt scared or anxious.
Over time, that decision to step into that church has been the single most important part of my healing journey. My relationship with God is the highlight of my life, and I’ve since taken the time to actually read what the Bible says about God’s character, and it is love, grace, peace, and freedom. And my current life is a reflection of the character of God's grace over me.
3. I Started Dating Smart.
Initially, I was emotionally unprepared to start dating, but I was lonely and lacked self confidence, so I spent time with people who had zero interest in my well being. It felt good to have company, until it didn’t. You can only spend so much time with people that don't care about you before you crave real, authentic relationship.
I took inventory of what my dating life looked like and I knew it wasn’t healthy. I thought, “Would I want my sister to be living like this?” The answer was clear, and I recognized that if I didn’t want this for those I love, it wasn’t for me either.
I stopped dating people who were only able to fill the physical hole in my life, but had no capacity for the emotional and spiritual connection I needed.
Thank God for his redeeming kindness, the first person I decided to give my heart to turned out to be the person I will call my husband in a few short weeks.
Our story is one of redemption and grace, and it wasn’t one without fear or doubt. It took me a very long time to trust someone with my heart again. Things moved very slowly for us, and I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. When I knew I was falling in love, I was afraid of going through the pain of loss again, I prayed that God would protect me from heartache. I said, “I don’t ever want to go through that again. If this person is not for me, please take him out of my life.” That was nearly three years ago.
I hesitated to write about my remarrying, because although it is a part of my healing, I don’t know that it will be a part of yours. However, I refuse to be inauthentic or to be ashamed of my blessings. This is my story, the way God has designed it for me, and He has designed your story to be just as special and redeeming as mine, but uniquely tailored to you.
4. I Practiced Being Kind to Others.
I found that my divorce had hurt not only my heart, but my confidence and my self image. I felt so worthless that I treated people the way I felt I should be treated.
I was angry, bitter, and jealous, and it was making me ugly on the inside. I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
I had to start to look at people the way I imagine God sees them. And regardless of how they treated me, I would make an effort to be kind. (I’m still working on this one).
Our outward expression towards others directly reflects what's going on inside of us. Hurt people hurt people. We've all heard that before. If we want to be healed, we can't keep hurting others around us. It's a never-ending cycle. We have to love like we've never been hurt. Whether this is close friends or family, or the barista that's taking too long to fill your order. Everyone is going through something, and a little kindness can go a long way.
When we actively choose kindness day after day, we will notice a change in our heart and spirit, and we will also find that we don't need to rely on others for our happiness. Each day we can choose joy or choose to dwell in our pain. And we can choose to be healed.
Again, this is what I did to heal. I am no pro. It’s an ever changing landscape and every new season of your life brings with it a deeper level of healing. Getting married again has brought up pain I didn’t know I was carrying. My fiancé and I were being playful and making jokes one evening and he said something that triggered a reaction in me that was completely unexpected. I burst into tears and said, "You think I'm not fit to be a wife." He lovingly comforted me and reminded me that he loved me, he knows that I am going to be the best wife for him, and the best mother to our children someday. He also reminded me that we were both playfully making jokes, and that what he said wasn't what I heard. He was right.
It was a learning lesson for me. I didn't know I had that trigger, or that I was carrying fear that my previous marriage failed because I'm incapable of being someones wife. It was another opportunity to stand firm in my faith and trust that God has his hand in this, that we as a couple have prepared for marriage in the best way we could have, through prayer, pre-marital counseling, and a no divorce ever agreement with each other. That I had grown and changed so drastically over the past few years, and that we are entering into marriage as complete and mature individuals, and that my husband to be will complement me, not complete me.
It was also a reminder that this is not my past, it's my future. And it is unfair of me to put my fears from my past on my current relationship. It's not something that will just go away, and it is important for me to speak about my fears with my fiancé, but then I need to release them and remember where and WHO I am with now.
In Jeremiah 29:11 it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
We need to remember that our pain is a part of our story, but it does not define us. Learn to set boundaries that keep you safe, but that are permeable for those you choose to give your heart to and that belong in your future. Don't build walls. A failed marriage does not mean repeated pain will follow you for the rest of your life. Wherever you are in your journey of divorce, seek healing, self care, and God first, your future will fall into place just exactly the way it's supposed to, and it will be prosperous and good! Declare this over your life. Read that scripture everyday and believe that it is true for you.