Social Anxiety, Cat Calls, & Sasha Fierce
Lately I’ve been having an overwhelming number of conversations with girlfriends about the issue of cat calling, aka unwanted male attention. While this isn’t a new phenomenon, I wonder what the new occurrence of discomfort is. Are we just now recognizing that it is more than just unwarranted attention, or are we just now speaking up? Is it something deeper? More soul depleting? Is it just the climate of #MeToo that’s making us feel permitted to speak out about it?
I remember specifically when I started to recognize this behavior. In one summer I went from being a lanky, skinny kid to a very curvy young teenager. My body changed without my consent. All of a sudden I had the same tiny waist I always had with a new bottom and thighs to match. It didn’t really bother me, except that none of my pants fit and I had to go up about 4 sizes to fit my new lower body. Besides that, I honestly didn't give it much thought. Until that one day that it was brought to my attention.
I was running errands with my mom and we had to stop by one of my Uncles friends houses. He had a brand new suede couch. While he and my mom and uncle talked, I sat on the couch with my little sister. When it was time to go, I got up, and my butt had left a huge imprint on his couch. I didn’t see it, but my uncles (very mature) 50 something-year old friend yelled, “Whoa, your butt left a mark on my couch!” My 12 year old body had officially been shamed for the first time, and my new nickname among my family became “B-Lo”, as to mimic the moniker of the sexy “J-Lo” (B was for Bizz, my family nickname).
From that point on, the sexual harassment continued, from both strangers and not. The problem? It wasn’t considered sexual harassment. It was to be taken as a “compliment” for being “pretty” and having a “nice body.” My problem? I didn’t feel any of those things. Comments about my body made me feel dirty and like I had done something wrong. “Should I have not worn this outfit? Maybe I just need to lose weight to stop the attention.”
These thoughts continued throughout my adolescence and into adulthood. When I was older and in serious relationships, the various men I dated felt it their duty to tell me how they preferred my body. One would tell me he liked me skinny. Then the next boyfriend would tell me he preferred my curves. I would diet or eat according to their preference, only for the relationship to fail (surprise!), and the next guy to prefer what I wasn’t.
In the past when a stranger would say something to me on the street, I would say something right back. This didn’t always work out in my favor, and I usually ended up more afraid that the person would attack me or follow me. When I rekindled my relationship with God a few years ago, I felt free from the constant self shaming of my body, but the cat calls didn’t stop, nor did my desire to yell at these men. But I knew that wasn’t the way to deal with it, I was called to be salt and light, not salty and rude. Self control in this area isn’t my strong suit, so I came up with a way to protect myself that didn’t involve words.
As a personal trainer, my attire most days is workout gear. I figured that was part of the problem, so my solution was to always have something tied around my waist. A sweater, a jacket, a long sleeved shirt…anything that would hide my bum. I called it my “butt cover” and I had it with me at all times. That way, I thought, I would eliminate the cat calls all together. And guess what, it worked! Not 100%, but it narrowed them down drastically, and the amount of really vulgar things said to me almost disappeared.
After doing this for a year, I casually mentioned to my husband (then, fiancé) one evening that I wished I didn’t have to cover myself or feel shame about my body. That I could just walk down the street in peace. That I could dress cute again and that I would actually want to go outside on my days off. How I was hurt that my last job working for a big gym turned into a series of sexual harassment situations that management and the company never resolved, pushing me to ultimately leave. This turned into a full blown cry-fest (for me, he listened). I didn’t realize I had bottled all of this pain up and that I was letting this affect me so deeply.
For that year, I thought I was protecting myself from the assaults and the anger. But I was actually causing more shame and fear to infiltrate my thoughts. For me, it was deeply altering the way I interacted with people, how I dressed, and my confidence. I know that sounds dramatic, and I beat myself up for feeling that way, too.
I even tried to rationalize to Xavier that it wasn’t affecting me emotionally, it was just keeping me safe. Xavier is my biggest protecter, he looks out for me in a way that I’ve never experienced before. This man loves me fiercely, and I’ve never felt more protected in my life. His first desire with me is always my safety. In fact, every time I part from him for the day, he holds me close and whispers in my ear, “Pray, and be aware.” Every. Single. Time. But even he knew this sweater around the waist wasn’t protecting me from anything. It was causing more harm than good, it was a false security blanket that was crushing my confidence and not allowing me to walk in faith.
This revelation led Xavier to challenge me. Not so that I would feel uncomfortable, but so that I would feel bold and vulnerable and have to rely completely on God to walk with me through this journey. He reminded me that Jesus was beaten, mocked, and humiliated but he still made that long walk, barely alive, carrying a cross, just to die for me (and for you). “If Jesus can do that” he said, “you can walk down the street without a jacket around your waist. And when someone says something to you, because they will, politely say to yourself, ‘God bless them.’ When you are afraid or uncomfortable, pray.”
We decided I would give it a week. So that next Monday, I put my jacket in my bag and headed out the door. I nearly had a panic attack before I got outside. I stopped and put my headphones in and put some worship music on. “Jesus is with you”, I reminded myself. I walked out of the door, and within 30 seconds I got a whistle. I froze. Then I remembered, “Jesus is with me. I’m ok.”
In his sermon on the mount, Jesus said:
“How blessed you are when you make peace! For then you will be recognized as a true child of God. “How enriched you are when you bear the wounds of being persecuted for doing what is right! For that is when you experience the realm of heaven’s kingdom. “How ecstatic you can be when people insult and persecute you and speak all kinds of cruel lies about you because of your love for me!”
Matthew 5:9-11 The Passion Translation (TPT)
That first week was hard. Not because I received an overwhelming number of whistles, hollers, and cat calls, but because I was breaking down a wall I had been building for a year. My fear of the whistles was greater than anything, and then the feelings of wondering if I am just completely self absorbed. I spent a lot of time in prayer, and over the next few weeks, I felt like I was starting to be myself again.
This past weekend, I got to attend a special retreat for my church. My beautiful friend and licensed Psychologist, Dr. Arianna Brandolini d’Adda, gave a much needed teaching on mindfulness and emotional health. She mentioned the importance of paying attention to your behavior, your daily practices, and your social connections when it comes to behaviors such as social anxiety. Then she brought up Beyonce. I know what you’re thinking, what does Beyonce have to do with social anxiety? Well, apparently, she’s not a fan of large group social interactions. Hence her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce.
When Bey steps on stage, she becomes Sasha Fierce. Arianna suggested that we do the same thing, "If your emotions are getting the best of you, put on your Sasha Fierce and get into the world.” When we step out into the world, into those uncomfortable situations, or for the sake of this post, when we sense the cat calls coming, fake it. Walk in confidence and be bold in know who you are, and whose you are.
“However, I say to you, love your enemy, bless the one who curses you, do something wonderful for the one who hates you, and respond to the very ones who persecute you by praying for them. For that will reveal your identity as children of your heavenly Father. He is kind to all by bringing the sunrise to warm and rainfall to refresh whether a person does what is good or evil. What reward do you deserve if you only love the loveable? Don’t even the tax collectors do that?”
Matthew 5:44-46
Arianna also shared a great mantra that can be used for situations like this, “I value social interaction and I value people so I’m going to go out there and interact with people.” When she said this, I immediately felt like she was speaking to me in this season. This is what I need to tell myself everyday when I leave my apartment. Because I do value social interaction and I do value people.
Living like this isn’t popular opinion. In fact, we are told repeatedly to stand up for ourselves, to be aggressive, to fight for what’s right. We march and we protest but we don’t work with young girls to teach them their worth and value apart from their body.
And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be known for what I hate. I want to be known for what I love, and I love people. Are people perfect? No. But neither am I. We hurt each other and we cause pain, but we also have the capability to show each other what love and forgiveness look like. We have the opportunity to love people through their pain and through our pain.
What if we fought our battles with love? What if we stopped shaming others because of the shame that we feel? What if we loved people anyway? Regardless of what they had done to us. How different with our world look? Our communities? Our families?
I leave you with this beautiful scripture that challenges me and reminds me why I do what I do, and why I get to do what I do:
2 Corinthians 5:17-19 The Passion Translation (TPT)
“Now, if anyone is enfolded into Christ, he has become an entirely new creation. All that is related to the old order has vanished. Behold, everything is fresh and new. And God has made all things new, and reconciled us to himself, and given us the ministry of reconciling others to God. In other words, it was through the Anointed One that God was shepherding the world, not even keeping records of their transgressions, and he has entrusted to us the ministry of opening the door of reconciliation to God.”
Thank you to Dr. Arianna Brandolini d’Adda for your insight, your grace, and your beautiful way of teaching about an oftentimes taboo subject. You are a world changer and I am thankful for your servant heart.
You can find more info about Arianna and her practice here.